Travis' Blog

Blog about a Beetle…

travislogan — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 22:55:38 +0000

Earlier this summer I had the oppurtunity to go on a camping trip. After setting up and building a fire we were all just sitting around relaxing by the fire. At this moment, my eyes were drawn to a small black beetle that was walking around the edges of the fire pit. It was obvious the his destination was to get to the other side of the pit. However, the gigantic flames of this fire stood in his way. He began his journey, entering into the deep pile of ash. He actually lost his footing several times and on one occasion ended up flat on his back. Frantically, he began rocking back and forth and moving his legs in different directions trying to flip himself over. By now this little beetle had my undivided attention. He finally was able to flip himself over, however, he was now completely dirty from his fall. This would not stop him, he was going to get to the other side of that fire pit. This time he decided to try another technique, he approached one of the logs that could possibly lead him to his destination. The little black beetle began the climb up the log, every single step bringing him closer to the fire. I could tell that he was beginning to feel the heat. He would go half way and then turn rapidly and go back to where it was safe. But each time, this little black beetle would turn around and head back up the log, getting closer and closer to the flames. Finally, he built up the courage to make one finally dash across the log. He made it quite farther then I thought he would, but he was doomed. He fell. This poor, stupid, little black beetle fell into what looked like the same ash he had slipped in before. But this time he didn’t move, in fact, he was instantly fried. There was even a slight popping sound and the heat from the coals that were hidden underneath the ash cooked this poor little beetle to death.

I have reflected on this memory many times over the last few weeks. So many times I am that stupid, dumb, little black beetle. I have something I want to accomplish. I have a goal for myself. I have my plans. I do not stop to ask God whether or not they go along with his, I simply proceed right on ahead. Many times, the danger signs are evident. I can feel the heat growing stronger, so I stop and take a couple steps back. But eventually I become accustomed to the heat, get a little braver and take a few more steps closer to what I think will make me happy. But, like the stupid, little black beetle, inevitably I fall.

This weekend I came to the point where I realized that my way was not working. I was tired of trying and falling. I decided it was time to give up. Instead of giving up and handing things over to God, I just gave up. I lost heart. I no longer cared. Oh, there were probably visible signs, but for the most part, it was all inside. I didn’t run out and do crazy things in rebellion, I just quit. In my heart and soul I had had enough. But, I have a true Father, who sees past the outside and into my heart. He saw my need, he saw a son sinking amidst the storms of life and sent out his rescue team. It was nothing extravagant, yet to me, it was huge. A simple word of encouragement from a friend, a reminder that if I ever needed anything they were there for me, the gathering of a body of believer at a coffee shop singing and praising God together; but the final straw that broke me was a text message from a friend explaining that they appreciate me and value me as their friend. That’s all it took, someone to share that they care and that they believe in me.

Tears come to my eyes as I realize that if a friend cares and values me, then how much more does my heavenly Father love and care for me. How valuable am I to Him? How foolish to think my plan is better, that I can survive without Him, when He cares and promises me nothing but good. In the car today, these two songs came over the radio, both of them touched me deeply as I once again am reminded that my way will lead to being burned up, like the little beetle, but God’s way will lead to eternal satisfaction and joy.

Empty Me

- by Chris Sligh -

I’ve had just enough of the spotlight when it burns bright
To see how it gets in the blood.
And I’ve tasted my share of the sweet life and the wild ride
And found a little is not quite enough.
I know how I can stray
And how fast my heart could change.

Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with you.

I’ve seen just enough of the quick buys of the best lies
To know how prodigals can be drawn away.
I know how I can stray
And how fast my heart could change.

Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with you.

Cause everything is a lesser thing
Compared to you, compared to you.
Cause everything is a lesser thing
compared to you. So, I surrender all!

Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me so I can be
Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with you.
Oh, filled with you.
Empty me.

Come to Jesus

- by Chris Rice -

Weak and wounded sinner
Lost and left to die
O, raise your head, for love is passing by
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus and live!

Now your burden’s lifted
And carried far away
And precious blood has washed away the stain, so
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus and live!

And like a newborn baby
Don’t be afraid to crawl
And remember when you walk
Sometimes we fall…so
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus and live!

Sometimes the way is lonely
And steep and filled with pain
So if your sky is dark and pours the rain, then
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus and live!

O, and when the love spills over
And music fills the night
And when you can’t contain your joy inside, then
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus and live!

And with your final heartbeat
Kiss the world goodbye
Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory’s side, and
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus and live!

An open book, a normal page. Another look, a lot of rage.

travislogan — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 07:13:35 +0000

Hit with a blow that knocks me off my feet
I fear my only option is just to retreat
From the start I know that I’m about to fall apart
But I just keep on going; try to hold my head up high
Knowing all the good I’m showing is really just a lie
An attempt to hide the pain that’s buried deep inside
Sometimes it feels surreal, like a nightmare I can’t escape
But everything is real, it’s life; and life’s not always fair
I thought time would make things better, that hurt would fade away
But time makes me a debtor to the hurt that’s here to stay
Every time I’m on the brink, each time that I start to sink
God seems to intervene, to bring to light the things unseen
My heart begins to decay; my mind and emotions in disarray
I just wish this was the end, not of my life, but of this trend
Their failures hang in front of me, in plain sight for all to see
It’s like I’m being dared to follow in their shoes
Admittedly I’m scared, but boldly I refuse
Now once again I’m here, terrified by fear
I look into the future and all seems to be black
I can’t even see the path to keep me on the track
But out of the darkness, out of this night
There seems to be a hope, there’s actually a light
The Rescuers have found me; help me up the slippery slope
They wrap their arms around me; they refuse to let me fall
At times I tried to struggle free, but they refuse to let me go
Slowly the darkness fades away, the night enveloped by the day
My pain may never subside, but the anger is from my pride
I’ll have to fight it ever day, with borrowed strength to keep it at bay
Hit with a blow that knocked me off my feet
But now I slowly stand, I will not accept defeat

Forsaken…

travislogan — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 04:32:03 +0000

Far too often I find myself in the position of Peter, with a chance to associate myself with my Savior and yet I choose, whether by my words or actions, to deny Him. I forsake the very love that brought me life. I forsake the very truth that gives me hope. I forsake the very God that died for me. Yet, He NEVER forsakes me. WOW! What an awesome God…

Here I am, once again
A place I am too often
Empty hands, broken commands
My selfish pride, an unfaithful bride
I have forsaken you

A choice to stray, to disobey
To ignore the price you paid
One short moment and I betrayed
Your very name which I have claimed
Bold, yet foolish and unashamed
I have forsaken you

Here I am, falling apart
Left alone, a broken heart
So many tears but I can’t cry
A lot of fears, I question why
I felt so strong, yet I was wrong
I have forsaken you

No matter the choices that I make
Or the number of my mistakes
You have never left my side
You have forgiven my foolish pride
You love me amidst my frailty
You have NEVER forsaken me

“I will never leave you nor forsake you. So we can confidently say, ‘The Lord is my helper, I will not fear, what can man do to me?’”

Hebrews 13:5-6

New Life

travislogan — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 21:30:08 +0000

There were days not to long ago
When all my ways were just for show
I lived my life for myself
Fought through strife, sought for wealth
I wanted happiness and peace
I wanted joy and a release
From all the pain deep down inside
Yet I was bound by chains and a heart so full of pride

But God…

But God in his great mercy
Stepped down and set me free
From all my sinful ways
Now I sing his praise
And have new life in Him
He’s changed me from within
Although He tore my life apart
It was so that I could restart
And live a life built upon his grace

There were days not to long ago
When all my ways were just for show
But people saw and people prayed
I took a fall and felt betrayed
But He was in control, and answering their prayers
He stepped down and saved my soul and started the repairs
Now I look back at all the things I’ve done
A heart so black now thankful for God’s Son

Because God…

Because God in his great mercy
Stepped down and set me free
From all my sinful ways
Now I sing his praise
And have new life in Him
He’s changed me from within
Although He tore my life apart
It was so that I could restart
And live a life built upon his grace

And His grace
Is so amazing, so enduring
Precious, priceless and reassuring me
That every day that I’m alive I’m living a new life!

A Beautiful Princess Captured by Pain

travislogan — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 05:58:52 +0000

Every night, left all alone
Words have broken, her heart of stone
During the day, she stands so tall
Yet every night she takes a fall
And all the pain, she tries to hide
Comes roaring out from deep inside
No one sees and no one hears
No one cares that she sheds these tears

She’s a beautiful princess captured by pain
Watched many knights stabbed and slain
They all come to take her hand
But no one understands
She wants nothing but a friend
To love her to the end

Her parents gone so long ago
So much hurt that no one knows
And so she makes a choice
Using actions instead of her voice
To raise a plea for help
Yet no one hears, no one sees
Everyone looks past her
Thinking she’s a complete disaster

But she’s a beautiful princess captured by pain
Watched many knights stabbed and slain
They all come to take her hand
But no one understands
She wants nothing but a friend
To love her to the end

Her time is running out
Her mind is full of doubt
She’s searching everywhere
But emptiness is all that’s there
The promises are always made
But every time she’s been betrayed
She’s sick of love and sick of lies
Why can’t anyone just realize

That she’s a beautiful princess captured by pain
Watched many knights stabbed and slain
They all come to take her hand
But no one understands
She wants nothing but a friend
To love her to the end

But now that ends in sight
He’d better come tonight
Cuz she won’t last another day
Her emotions have decayed

She still remains all alone
With a broken heart of stone
No longer standing tall
No longer trying to hide her fall
The overwhelming pain
The actions that seem insane
And the princess decides tonight
To give up on the fight

She was a beautiful princess captured by pain
She saw many knights stabbed and slain
They all came to take her hand
But none would understand
That all she ever wanted was a friend
To lover her. . .

A Little Heart, A lot of Pain

travislogan — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 19:37:12 +0000

There’s a little boy laying on his bed

He’s pulling his pillow over his head

In attempt to block out their screams and yells

But he still hears them curse, damn each other to hell

He’s heard the stories and he shakes with fear

Knowing Mommy and Daddy could break up this year

And his little heart fills up with a lot of pain

Each memory leaving a deep dark stain

He knows he doesn’t understand

But he thinks it’s all his fault

He ruined all their plans

It’s 6 A.M. when the boy awakes

He’s cried so much his body aches

And he hears the quiet cry

Of his lonely Mother sobbing, Why?

Her dreams of a family shattered

Her every emotion scattered

How does she tell her little son

His hero got scared and decided to run

And his little heart fills up with a lot of pain

Each memory leaving a deep dark stain

He knows he doesn’t understand

But he thinks it’s all his fault

He ruined all their plans

But now his Daddy’s gone

But now his hero’s gone

He asked himself, “What’d I do wrong?”

Cuz he feels like he’s to blame

And every night he cries himself to sleep in shame

Knowing there’s nothing he can say to bring Daddy back today

And his little heart fills up with a lot of pain

Each memory leaving a deep dark stain

He knows he doesn’t understand

But he thinks it’s his fault

He ruined all their plans

He swore he’d never make the same mistake

But 20 years later he decides he’s had all that he can take

But as he packs his things and says goodbye

He hears his daughter’s painful cry

And he wonder’s how he grew so blind

He drops his bags, changes his mind

Cuz his little heart remembers a whole lot of pain

Every single moment that left a deep dark stain

He knows she wouldn’t understand

But this time it’d be his fault if he ruined all her plans

Cuz one little heart can fill up with a lot of pain

Each memory leaving a deep dark stain

A little heart…

A lot of pain…

Simple Truth

travislogan — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 05:00:56 +0000

dedicated specifically to my brother, jacob… i love u man
and to my entire family… i love you all
and to all my friends that have ever been there for me… thanks

Have you ever hung your head to cry
without even really knowing why?

Have you ever watched the sun go down
and feel your heart sink to the ground?

Have you ever witnessed your best friend
suffer so much and wish life would end?

Have you ever tried to comfort someone
but words were gone before you’d begun?

Because the simple truth of each new day
Is that you can’t take their pain away
You’re sick of how life is so unfair
So you bow your head and say a prayer

Sitting in silence in an emergency room
Fearing that soon it’ll be his tomb
And next to me there sits his wife
Knowing this wreck just changed her life
I try to speak, but nothings there
So I hang my head and simply stair

Because the simple truth of each new day
Is that I can’t take your pain away
I’m sick of how your life is so unfair
And all I can do is raise a prayer

The eerie silence and awful smell
The fear that soon they’ll bid farewell
The doc returns, he brings the news
This battle against cancer, your sure to lose
His wife and 3 kids must watch their daddy die at thirty-two
I dunno how they’ll make it through

Because the simple truth of each new day
Is that you can’t take their pain away
You’re sick of how life is so unfair
So you bow your head and say a prayer

And there are times when I just scream
Hoping I’ll wake up from this awful dream
But down inside I know this is reality
This is how life is always gonna be
And my reaction to the pain and sorrow
Is what decides who I’ll be tomorrow

Because the simple truth of each new day
Is that I can’t take my pain away
I’m sick of how my life is so unfair
And all I can do is raise a prayer

Cuz I watched you suffer and I watched you cry
I listened as you asked me why
And I sat there like a fool and cried with you
My tears fell onto your shoulder
As you buried your head into my chest
I promise to be here for you as we get older
And I realized the only hope that I possess

is…

To sit with you and cry
And never even say a word
To hold your hand as you say goodbye
And to know that you are reassured

That the simple truth of each new day
Is that no one can take your pain away
And I’m sick of how your life is so unfair
But all I can do is raise a prayer
And remind you that I will always be there for you

The Arms of Love

travislogan — Sun, 09 Mar 2008 06:24:33 +0000

I’ll never forget that feeling
Of the moment so revealing
And how you left me on the floor
Begging you not to walk out that door
But you ignored my pleading
And left my heart just bleeding

But little did I know that I’d been blind
Cuz I awoke and left my past behind
Tomorrow when the sun rises in the sky
I won’t look back and question, why?
Cuz it’s so clear and I can see
That I am better now since you’ve left me

But I learned so much from that illusion
That I’ve come to one conclusion
Love is so much more then an emotion
It’s about complete devotion
Putting everything out on the line
With confidence that you’ll be fine

Cuz love is not about a girl and a guy
If you believe that then you believe the biggest lie
It’s all about becoming the best of friends
And never letting go, even if the world ends
Forever seems like a memory in the arms of love

A memory so grand, you wouldn’t understand
One full of sweat, blood and countless tears
As you stand side by side throughout the years
And then you gaze into her eyes and you realize
This memory will last forever in the arms of love

A memory of playing in the rain
Or listening to you complain
Of wishing on that shooting star
Or playing you a song on my guitar
Of you screaming in my ear
During a movie that caused you to fear

But there are nights when the day ends
That we still cry and then make amends
Cuz we cursed, yelled and fought
We both we’re right, or so we thought
But it usually doesn’t take long
For us to admit we both were wrong

A memory of flying kites
watching them sail to the highest heights
Or running on the ocean sand
A special night that’d been so unplanned
But its a memory that will last forever
In the arms of love

The memory of a first kiss
That birthday that I actually missed
Your fathers lecture after our first date
After I brought you home an hour late
But forever will seem like a memory
In the arms of love

A memory

Forever…

A Friendship

Forever…

In the Arms of Love…

Now the hardest thing to do, is to actually make this true…
And find those arms of love…

Never Going Back

travislogan — Wed, 27 Feb 2008 06:48:32 +0000

Here I am falling
Every second crawling
I just want to hit the ground
But the bottom can’t be found
Instead, I hit each branch, every rock
Knowing again I’ll never walk
I can’t see a reason for the pain
But the storm thunders, continues to rain
Lightning shoots up in the sky
As I’m falling, I ask “WHY?”
I hit my head, all goes black
Temporary relief from the attack
When I awake my body aches
I question all of my mistakes
At last the ground appears
But it brings about new fears
I cannot move, the pains too great
It seems to be justified fate
Forgotten, forsaken
Waiting to be taken
I cry out into the night
Praying I’ll see a light*
But the darkness overtook me
No hope in sight, all was empty
I began to hate my life
My mind wishing I had a knife
Inside there arose this fear
About a punishment severe
For after death there must be more
I can’t ignore eternity anymore
But the pain had overtaken my soul
I was losing all control
Hopeless, Helpless
My life, a mess
Nowhere left to turn
No ability to discern
Black from white
Blindness from sight
I’m just a waste of space
A typical lifeless disgrace
No strength left to stand
Left with ruined plans
My life is like a puzzle
Scattered across the floor
My life is like a vase
Shattered against the door
There are pieces everywhere
It will never be repaired
Then there was a light
A ray of hope came into sight
A man of care and love
A messenger from above
Helped me pick up the pieces
Slowly the pain decreases
The healing has begun
Years before it’s done
But it is worth it in the end
Cuz my life is not pretend
Although it will take time to heal
For once I am one-hundred percent real
And I’m not falling anymore
My life so different then before
There is a love inside of me
I view life so differently
I have a smile on my face
A heart-change has taken place
And I’m never going back again

*Everything preceding this point was written this past November of 2007. Everything after was written in February of 2008

I Burned My Costume

travislogan — Mon, 25 Feb 2008 06:04:03 +0000

I was sinking so rapidly inside myself

I’d given up hope, thrown God’s Word to the shelf

I was doing my thing and living my way

Portraying a picture that I had true joy

But if you saw in my heart the truth would betray

Inside there’s this pain that will not go away

So I search every aisle of the world’s largest store

I knock and kick down every single door

I know I will find it, I know it is here

Somewhere there’s a shelter from all of my fears

Why can’t I find true satisfaction?

I’m sick of temporary distractions

Cuz every time in the end

I realize it’s all just pretend

And I’m sick of your lies

Someone be real, take off your disguise

I was sinking so rapidly inside myself

Hopeless and hurting, I returned to my shelf

I picked up the book filled with things Jesus had said

I began reading all the words written in red

And there on those pages I found something new

A message so plain saying, “I DIED FOR YOU”

It wasn’t a lie it was clearly so true

Finally a message that wasn’t a fake

Finally a choice that’s not a mistake

And there in that corner of my messy room

I left my disguise and burned my costume

And knelt down in prayer letting go of my ways

And letting God come in

And change my heart within

Every single desire

Every single dream

I let it all fall away

My life changed forever that day